Idk why I am writing on my laptop right now when my computer is right in front of me, but I guess that doesn’t matter. Since I have been home things have only gotten worse. Yesterday I was going to stay up until late at night but ended up being so exhausted that I slept from like 3 til 9. Then I got up for a while and still felt like crap. I stayed in my room for quite a while just because I was in a really bad mood. Then I came out at like midnight because for some reason I wanted icecream. My mom saw this as the opportunity to talk to me. Apparently she has a job now. I initially didn’t really see that as a good or bad thing because she has been looking for a job and it is something that she needs. The bad part is that she now wants me to be the chauffeur for both her and my brother. Apparently I am supposed to get up at like 5 am to go take her to work, then come back home and then take my brother to work at like 7 am. Then come back to spend the day by myself until I have to go pick them up in the afternoon. Basically meaning that I don’t get much of any sleep. Then she told me that apparently there is a credit card account out there that Ron had that has her name on it. That is nothing all that new because there was huge issues with that when they went through the divorce. We had people coming after us for things that Ron owed but most of it got taken care of in the divorce. For a while afterwards we still had people calling us and threatening us but it wasn’t really a big deal. I guess she just found out this week that the credit card company is now suing her for $35,000 for this credit account that she didn’t even know existed. Apparently Ron charge a bunch of crap on it and hasn’t paid anything for years and so now they are coming after her. Plus they are also threatening to get her on criminal charges of fraud etc. She is like freaking out about all of this which she has every right to. Idk. It isn’t right, but then a lot of things have happened that aren’t right yet seem to happen anyways. The whole mess frustrates me. I can barely handle the stuff that is going on in my own head and then I come home to all of this mess. It just makes me question what I could have ever done to deserve all of this. Why me? *sigh* Now this makes things even more difficult. I was really suicidal yesterday but decided to wait til today. After finding all of this stuff out, my life is now worse but I also have more of a guilt factor. My mom’s life is an absolute mess right now too and if I were to kill myself I would be making things worse. Yet at the same time, my life has gotten so much worse in the past week. I am completely alone, I have given up on people and pretty much God too. Idk what else to do. I don’t even want to do college stuff cuz I am at the point that I figure I will just die anyways so there is no point. Taking out loans would just make things more of a mess for my mom if I don’t live long enough to pay them off. She doesn’t realize this though so she is currently bugging me on getting my loans together. Idk. I can’t deal with all of this yet I have absolutely no one to turn to. I am amazed that I just spent an entire week focused on the theme “we were never meant to be alone” and yet I feel more alone than ever. I am currently trying to ignore emotions though because I am not sure that I could handle them. I let myself try to have emotions this past week and it was so incredibly exhausting. Right now I just don’t want to do anything. I am so numb. I know all of this crap in the back of my mind so I am trying to not deal with it. I so badly want to be able to turn to someone and to rant and scream about all of this but I know that I can’t. That is the really frustrating part. I so desperately need someone to turn to yet after last week I feel that I can’t. I mean, I know that they would listen to the things that are going on with my family and stuff, but the deeper issues I can’t tell anyone. Anytime I talk to someone I walk away with a sense of frustration because there are so many things that I simply cannot tell them. No matter what I always have to watch my words and be careful with what I say. I can never really open up because there is the issue of suicide. That is basically what made me give up this past week. I was trying so hard but then realized that I was getting nowhere. Then when they talked about the one thing that you were keeping in, I immediately went to suicide. That is the one thing that I cannot tell anyone. It is the one thing that keeps me alone. I can never truly talk to anyone therefore I will always be alone. It’s frustrating when I think about it, but it’s not like there is anything I can do about it. I want so badly to give up right now, but the level of guilt in doing so is so much greater now that things are such a mess around here. I mean, honestly it makes me feel worse about my life, yet at the same time I feel a sense of obligation to my mom. It’s not like there is anything that I can do to help her and I realize that, but at the same time I feel like I am being a terrible person if I were to die now. Idk. I know that I would be dead and so I wouldn’t be around to feel terrible, but as I am still alive I am still able to realize what I would do. Another thing that has always bugged me about death is that I won’t be there to see it. I know it sounds stupid but I want to see how things play out in the end. I guess it’s the part of me that always wanted to be able to look back years later and be able to see how things work out. If I die I can’t do that. Yet at the same time I so badly want to die. I want it all to go away. If I am successful I won’t be able to see it because I will be, well, dead. It seems like such a stupid thing to want. I don’t know that I would necessarily want to sit around and watch things after I was dead because I am assuming it would be a very happy situation, but at the same time I almost want to see it. I want to see how people would react. I want to see what happens. I guess, I want to have some sort of conclusion. Nothing in my life ever has closure and I want that. I have no idea why, but I long for closure. I guess that and the whole unknown aspect of it all. I have grown up my whole life being told to believe in God and that suicide is a sin. I am currently at the point that I have pretty much given up on God yet at the same time, in the back of my mind, I want to believe. The fact that idk what is going to happen bugs me. I guess if I were to be able to know then it would be easier. But I can’t. I guess I want to skip ahead to the ending. I want to see how it all turns out whether happy or sad. I so desperately need that ending and killing myself isn’t exactly an ending. I mean, for me as a person it would be the end, but it isn’t an ending. I so badly wanted to kill myself while I was still at CIY. I wanted to find the train tracks. I wanted to see if I would/could do it. I wanted to escape while I was still in my bubble. Now I am back home. I am no longer in the bubble. It seems like it would have been so much easier if I could have done it before I came back to this mess. I actually thought about that while I was at CIY. I thought of what would happen. How people would react. I think I would be the first person to take their life at one of those things. It would have a sense of irony. Yet at the same time it would be terrible for those around me. I somehow feel that it would lessen the guilt, if even slightly, on those at home because I wouldn’t have been there for them to do anything, but at the same time it would be terrible for those people in my youth group. I think that it would have been hard on the various people that saw me crying. I think it would be hard for the people in my group that knew something was wrong yet I never told them. So many days I was upset. For several days afterwards I was cold and isolated. I guess, idk. I never did find the train tracks though. I never had the opportunity. Finding them would still be a big risk though. Especially if I didn’t do it. Idk if I would have been able to do it. I wanted to find them simply to see if I could. If I was there and I knew a train was coming, would I be able to do it. I think that is different than hanging myself. With a train it would be a limited decision. I would have however many seconds it took the train to get there to decide. With hanging it is infinite. I can take as long as I want to decide. I have to take the physical steps to do it. I have to go to the barn. I have to tie the rope. And of course, I have to jump. With a train I can get there and not know. I don’t have to make the decision til the very last second. I can either stand there or move. Yet if I were to go to the tracks and then decide to move out of the way I would have to deal with the possibility of someone finding out. I wish I had Kayla’s situation where I could get to the tracks so easily. I mean, she plays on the train tracks regularly. She has the opportunity all of the time. I guess I kinda have the same opportunity because I could hang myself pretty easily but for some reason I think a train would be easier. You could just randomly decide one day that you no longer have the desire to move out of the way and then it would be over. Simple as that. I know that making that decision isn’t easy, but still. *sigh* idk anymore. I know that I shouldn’t be talking like this but it is how I feel. I regret playing euchre instead of looking for the train tracks. I am frustrated by Jamal running after me. I am frustrated that no one came with me the first time. If I would have known where they were, I could have walked to them instead of just sitting staring at a brick wall when I was upset. I longed to be home while I was at CIY but now I wish to go back. The bad part is, my reasons for going back are wrong. I do not want to go back for good reasons. I guess it doesn’t matter now. For some reason I feel like I shouldn’t do anything today. I feel that I should at least go to church tomorrow. Idk y. I guess I will see how it goes. Becky just got online and talked to me. She hasn’t been online in a really long time so I feel like I should talk to her. I might write more later, depending on how I feel.